Wick Fergus Ferguson Revisited: Week 5 – 21 March

I get a lot of spam email via this blog, most of it from China, most of it rather optimistically suggesting I could improve my sales with a better web design. Occasionally I’m approached by people looking for an outlet for clothing—mostly harmless stuff like bags or woolly hats, though I was tempted by one this week offering me discount bullet-proof vests; the seller had evidently done his market research and so had a pretty good idea what daily life in Wick was like. But I was genuinely delighted to receive an email the other day from a Mr Sauron representing a Chinese shipping company. And I thought: you what? You mean the Dark Lord wasn’t defeated after all, but instead has taken up a new career in sales?

First catkins of spring

Now, I know what you’re thinking: you’d expect the embodiment of ultimate evil to pop up in banking, if anything, or possibly real estate—well, that or the [insert name of political party of choice here] Party—but a modern corporation is probably the perfect cover. Or would be, if it wasn’t for modern HR developments…

“My Lord, the creature Gollum’s been captured.”
“Excellent! Take him to the dungeons and torture him to find the location of The Shire.”
“Er… We can’t. Sorry.”
“Why in middle earth not?”
“It contravenes our Harassment in the Workplace policy.”
“What? You mean it specifically forbids torture by the rack?”
“Yup. Section 4, paragraph 7. Just after the bit about not swearing at people.”
“Oh, for f—”
“Precisely.”

Gone fishin’

“Oh, very well. At least tell me the ladders are ready for the siege of Helm’s Deep.”
“Oh, they’re ready all right…”
“Good!”
“We just can’t use them yet.”
“?”
“We have to do a risk assessment: it’s in the Decapitating at Height policy. And there’s another thing.”
(Wearily) “Go on.”
“Well, your plan to cover all the earth in a second darkness has been ruled out.”
“What the actual? And note I didn’t swear just then, though I am being pretty explicit on the inside.”
“Light pollution. Not to mention it’ll play merry hell with our environmental targets.”
“At least tell me our sales are on schedule.”
“Afraid not, squire, I mean sire. Your latest ad campaign’s been rejected by Marketing.”
“Oh, come on! What’s wrong with it?”
“They rather feel that “Nine rings for mortal men doomed to die” isn’t exactly the most alluring slogan for your line of jewellery…”

First daffodils of Spring

But let us draw a veil over the sorry scene. As for the (presumably) real Mr Sauron, I did find his sign-off a little creepy: “I’m always here for you”—something I normally expect from the ghost of Obi-wan Kenobi, or possibly Winnie the Pooh, but from a sales rep not so much…

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TECHNICAL STUFF

So I’ve started the first sleeve. As ever Margaret’s done a sterling job translating the original into a workable pattern. I’ve said before that the original is very fine, and if I tried to replicate the pattern exactly it would be over seven or eight inches long (i.e., too long). So we’ve compromised to achieve something that captures the flavour of the original but doesn’t dominate the sleeve. You’ve got to pay attention, too, because the alternating tree and diamond patterns are very easy to mix up if your mind wanders, as mine does, if you can call it a mind. Anyway, we’re over the worst for now, and can freewheel down the sleeve all the way to… (insert ominous organ chords here) the cuff.